I just talked to a client who was telling me how frustrated she is with herself for always procrastinating on household chores. It’s usually the same scenario: she gets home from work, eats dinner, and while resting for a few minutes, she tells herself that it’s time to do household chores. As she procrastinates, she gets angry with herself, the anger builds momentum, and soon she feels exhausted and hopeless. Sound familiar? Here are three steps (based on the research done in the field of Acceptance and Commitment therapy) that can help her–and you–move more easily in a direction that feels freeing:
Pause and notice what’s going on inside of you. You’ll probably find that there’s some sort of inner argument between the part of you that wants to relax and the one that insists you’ll feel better if you just do the work. You may have tension in your body, possibly in your neck, chest, or belly. At this point, just pause and notice what this inner conflict looks and feels like.
Listen, with curiosity, to your thoughts (hint: you don’t have to believe them!). If your inner dictator is yelling at you to get up and do the dishes and change the sheets on the bed, hear her out. She may seem like a bit of a jerk, but it doesn’t hurt to listen. Then ask her whatever questions might arise: “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I gave myself a full 30 minutes to kick back and do nothing? The dishes won’t get done for 30 minutes? OK. What’s the harm?
Maybe your dictator is telling you that relaxing is NOT an option because that 30 minutes you waste will buy you enough time to finish changing the bed sheets. “The sheets REALLY need to get changed!” she might say. “You can’t afford to just rest and not get this done.” Really? If you don’t get the sheets changed tonight, what’s the worst that could happen? Another night in dirty sheets? OK. Didn’t you do that last night anyway?
Do the thing that aligns most closely with your values. For example, you might say to yourself, “at this moment, I’m working on better self-care, I’ve had a cold, and I didn’t get much sleep last night so I’m making the decision to leave the dishes for tomorrow. I need the rest now and when I have more energy, I’ll do the dishes.”
Maybe you genuinely feel clearer, stronger, and healthier when your kitchen is tidy so you’ll choose to do the dishes now, but save the bed sheets for later since they don’t bother you as much.
Bottom line: You have options. All you have to do is notice what’s going on inside your body/mind and make a decision to walk toward YOUR values. If this becomes a regular practice for you, you will save a ton of mental energy and feel freer (Over 30 years of research shows this to be true!). Practicing self-kindness in this way is life-changing. I hope you try it.